Because my mom died six weeks before Christmas, I’ve been white-knuckling the holiday for 30 years. That’s not to say there weren’t any wonderful ones, there have been, but it’s been a variety pack for sure.
My early approach to the holidays was to dread them, not engage, leave everything to the last minute, stress, eat and drink my way to the finish line and sigh in relief when it was over. What’s ironic is the holidays at that time were by all definition, fantastic. The presents were an embarrassment of riches; purses from Europe, coats, clothes, jewelry, cell phones, cash. Beautifully wrapped and wonderful to open.
A couple of years into this way of celebrating I discovered that the gifts were paid for with a check from my inheritance made out to “Susie’s Christmas.” It gave me a pit in my stomach and I found what I really wanted was one gift from the heart vs many gifts that cost too much of my money.
Christmas took on a better glow when I became a mom. Seeing the holiday through my children’s eyes certainly took the sting out and motivated me to put on the best Christmas EVER. There was breakfast with Santa with my girls in pretty dresses, building gingerbread houses, the family in matching colors Christmas cards, decorating the tree, baking cookies, drives to see the lights on Christmas Tree Lane, and tons of presents (the ones from Santa wrapped in Santa paper). I may have over compensated and definitely ran myself ragged. Fingers crossed I didn’t blur the line between magical and miserable.
Perfect Christmas was followed by divorced Christmas where the kids got two of everything and with it were schedules to be ironed out and adhered to. Mixed in depending on the year, were Christmas Days alone or a romantic day for two.
Which brings me to this Christmas in the Pandemic of 2020. Many things were new and/or different and I felt the old humbug creep back in. For the first time in my life we had an artificial tree. It was smaller than we usually have but great in the ease of putting it up, lights already in place. There’s a new, young dog in the house this year who jumped on the tree as soon as it was up. An excellent clue that we should use all non-breakable ornaments. I’m surprised to say it’s been one of my favorite trees. Government suggestion to reduce in-person shopping meant that I ordered every gift except one online. All in all there was less stress, less people, smaller meals and less clean-up. Perhaps because of the year it’s been, I found a willingness to rest, relax, and watch classic Christmas movies that soothed my tired spirit. The humbug gave way to discovering that simple feels really good.